Finish Line
Is in view. I have to create a PowerPoint presentation, which I have to present on Thursday this week, and I have to write and revise a 10-page paper by a week from tomorrow. I get peer reviews of the paper, revise again, and it's due the Wednesday after (May 6th). Then I'm done.
My graduation cap, gown, and hood are sitting on the dining room table.
I can't believe that this two-year odyssey is almost over. There have been times I thought I would quit. There are times that I have been more tired than in the first few months of one of my kid's lives (not necessarily more sleepy, but more down-to-my-bones tired), and I never thought I'd find something that was more demanding than the first few months of motherhood. It has taken its toll, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, not just on me but on the people I love.
Mostly, I find myself wondering how I'd have done things differently those first few months of long-term subbing. I know so much more than I did then, have learned so much, have become such a different presence in the classroom than I was. I thought I was pretty amazing then. I think I'm pretty good now, with the potential to be amazing eventually, and that I was suffering then from the DataBoy Syndrome: I find I'm pretty intuitively good at something that I know a little about, and so I think I'm wonderful because I don't even know what there is to not know yet or how badly I actually suck compared to someone who's really good.
I would not be where I am now if not for the support of Zander. He has provided hugs and shoulders when I needed them, and a kick in my whiny ass when I've needed it, not to mention the amount of personal time and professional time he has sacrificed to make my personal and professional life the focus the past two years. For these things, I am unconditionally and wholeheartedly grateful.
It is hoped that I will eventually be less insane. Time will tell if all this has been worth it. It doesn't really feel worth it right now. I'd probably feel differently if I didn't have to job hunt this summer. Someone's job was eliminated at the school, and she has tenure and a bunch of seniority on me, so she gets my job. I find myself in the unenviable position of hoping that someone else leaves so I can stay. Although I will admit there is a non-zero part of that connected, selfishly, to not wanting to have to pack up and move all my shit.
My graduation cap, gown, and hood are sitting on the dining room table.
I can't believe that this two-year odyssey is almost over. There have been times I thought I would quit. There are times that I have been more tired than in the first few months of one of my kid's lives (not necessarily more sleepy, but more down-to-my-bones tired), and I never thought I'd find something that was more demanding than the first few months of motherhood. It has taken its toll, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, not just on me but on the people I love.
Mostly, I find myself wondering how I'd have done things differently those first few months of long-term subbing. I know so much more than I did then, have learned so much, have become such a different presence in the classroom than I was. I thought I was pretty amazing then. I think I'm pretty good now, with the potential to be amazing eventually, and that I was suffering then from the DataBoy Syndrome: I find I'm pretty intuitively good at something that I know a little about, and so I think I'm wonderful because I don't even know what there is to not know yet or how badly I actually suck compared to someone who's really good.
I would not be where I am now if not for the support of Zander. He has provided hugs and shoulders when I needed them, and a kick in my whiny ass when I've needed it, not to mention the amount of personal time and professional time he has sacrificed to make my personal and professional life the focus the past two years. For these things, I am unconditionally and wholeheartedly grateful.
It is hoped that I will eventually be less insane. Time will tell if all this has been worth it. It doesn't really feel worth it right now. I'd probably feel differently if I didn't have to job hunt this summer. Someone's job was eliminated at the school, and she has tenure and a bunch of seniority on me, so she gets my job. I find myself in the unenviable position of hoping that someone else leaves so I can stay. Although I will admit there is a non-zero part of that connected, selfishly, to not wanting to have to pack up and move all my shit.
Labels: grad slaves, sappy stuff, so....very....tired, Won't someone please hire me?
posted by ilse at 8:32 AM
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